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Til Death Season2 Episode15
Til death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Okay.
- What's going on? - Just freshening up the old yapper.
What?
Pretty fast and loose with the flosser Mrs. Rockerfeller.
Hey, what do you wanna do for our anniversary?
- Oh my gosh, is it a year already? - Mhm.
Hmm, it means I'm due for another colonoscopy.
Well, that was a quick trip from our anniversary
to a camera up your keyster.
So what are you gonna do?
Thought I don't have a choice, I'm just gonna have to stay loose and take it like a man.
I meant for our anniversary, jetfrog.
I don't know, why don't we just, you know, do the usual thing,
have dinner at Mario's.
Yeah, Mario's is nice, but we always get that waiter Jean-Carlo,
who hits on me, when you go to the bathroom.
Jean-Carlo hits on me, when you go to the bathroom.
Man… two-timer.
I tell you what, let's just do the romantic thing,
we'll just stay at home, you'll make a nice table,
whip me up something special, huh?
So your big idea is I cook you dinner?
Yeah. And then I'll take you upstairs and reward you sexually.
Or…
let me throw this out there. I mean, what if, and I know this sounds crazy
but what if we take the anniversary off the table.
I'm listening.
I mean, come on, think about it.
Every year we try to come up with something big and special
to commemotrate our marriage. I mean
it's 22 years already, what are we trying to prove?
You know, I'll have to tell you, my first instinct is
to pop my fist and go woo-hoo, but I'm a little scared.
I mean society puts this enormous pressure on us,
to focus on one day that
we have to show our love for each other, it's ridiculous.
It's more than ridiculous, it's unnatural.
I mean, they don't celebrate anniversaries in the animal kingdom.
You know how a zebra knows he had a good anniversary?
He didn't get eaten.
We should love each other every day,
not just the day that the calendar says we should.
I would follow you into hell right now.
Eddie, let's do this.
Let's not celebrate our anniversary.
Done!
Okay, but you're sure, I-I-I… I mean, I just wanna make sure that, you know, as a couple,
we don't have to celebrate anything on that day.
I mean if I want to, I can just go watch a Sixers game at Kenny's, right?
You, out of the house for a whole evening? Happy anniversary to me.
Okay, this is big, now where do we stand on presents?
I say no presents.
You just saved me a trip to the dollar store.
Oh, what a relief, I have to tell, you have no idea,
how hard it is for me to pretend that I know what kind crap you like.
Not as hard as it is for me to pretend to like the crap you give me!
So, so, all right, so we're doing this?
We are so doing this.
So, okay, it' decided, Wednesday is just another day?
Thursday and yes.
Happy "Just Thursday".
And to you, my unnaturally tall life partner.
- So, what are you gonna do tonight? - I'm just gonna hang up with Steph.
You two gonna go to your book-club?
Actually, we got kicked out.
Steph drank too many mojitos and threw up on this girl Bethanie's
copy of the "Lovely Bones".
So we're gonna have our mini book-club here.
Okay, super, do me a favor, if she's looking queezy,
aim here away from the middle cushion,
because we're out of flips on that one.
Okay, I'm gonna go to Kenny's and watch a little B Ball.
Oh, that reminds me…
What's this?
Open it.
It's a beautiful vintage dr. J. Watch from 1983.
Commemorating the sixers' championship season.
When we first met, I remember you saying that you really wanted one of these.
You know, you had the Dr. J. Hair and...
Look.
When his arms hit midnight, looks like he's dunking.
Isn't it great?
It's unquestionably magnificent, yeah, but we said no gifts.
Oh, no,no.No, it's not a gift.
It's just a thing.
Well, it feels pretty gifty to me.
Look, I was downtown for lunch
and I passed by this memorabilia store and I saw it in the window,
I went in and it 'cause I knew that you would love it.
Remember the time that you bought me pepper spray at the car wash?
Same thing.
Oh, ok.So this is not a gift?
It's not a gift.
- Not a gift. - Not a gift.
This is definitely a gift.
But she says it wasn't.
And my wife said that long weekend in denver with her boss was a business trip.
Now some dude named wayne used my truck.
I don't know, man.
Something ain't right about this.
Smells funny.
Isn't it possible that she just got this out of the goodness of her heart?
No, she didn't.
They had a pact to take the anniversary off the table.
Where I come from, you break a pact, your brother loses a foot.
I just can't believe you convinced your wife to not celebrate your anniversary.
I didn't. It was her idea.
It was her idea and you didn't realize it was a trap?
How could you fall for that, big man?
I don't know.
It was late at night.
My defenses were down.
It's the same way she got me to say yes to whole-wheat pasta.
Have you tried that with soy-mato sauce?
Don't you see what's happening here?
She buys you a gift.
You buy her nothing.
Now you're the bad guy who doesn't care about his anniversary.
You are way uptown without a cab to get home, man.
All right, so now I got to buy her a gift.
Even if you get a gift, it's gonna be obvious
that you're only getting the gift because she gave you a gift.
Ok, so I shouldn't buy her a gift.
You got to buy her a gift.
But you said I couldn't buy her a gift.
You got to buy her a gift that makes her gift look like a piece of crap.
You know what's the best gift, eddie?
Something that you make yourself.
Oh, how about you write her a song?
Now that's a good idea.
Writing a song is a great idea.
You know why?
There are a million things that rhyme with joy:
Boy, toy, bok choy, that kid from "the jetsons"... elroy.
Oh, my god!
I'm not even trying right now!
I'm not gonna write her a song.
How about a trip?
Is there anyplace she's been dying to go?
Well, she always wanted to go snorkeling in hawaii,
but I don't know how to swim, so that's out.
You don't know how to swim?
Didn't you go to camp?
I thought that was a perk of being white.
That and hitch-hiking.
I went to camp.
I just had a bad experience.
And what happened?
Well, I was the only kid there who didn't know how to swim,
so they put me in this big life vest.
Plus I had to wear this dopey swim cap
that my mom got me for sending in 5 proofs of purchase for orange crush.
So the counselor takes everybody out and forgets about me,
leaves me there in the lake, floating for hours.
He finally comes back to get me and says that he's sorry,
but in that big orange vest and the white and orange swim cap,
he thought I was a buoy.
That's it.
I'm gonna teach you how to swim.
No, no.That's not gonna happen, kenny.
Why not?
I'm an incredible swimmer.
I'm the black dolphin.
Eddie, I could help you.
I swam in high school,I'm certified for cpr,
and I lifeguarded for two years in college.
There's only two things missing off your little resume right there,
That's black and that's dolphin.
Uh, listen, as much as i would like to spend time
with both of you in your bathing suits,
I have to say that learning how to swim is just terrifying for me.
Let me tell you what's terrifying... the rest of your life.
If you don't even the score with joy right now,
every time she does something nice for you,
it's going to be a reminder of how inadequate you are as a husband and a lover.
Did I go too far with "lover"?
He was 72?
I know.
And the crazy part is i would have gotten an "a" in the class anyway.
Come on.You've been here two hours.
We should discuss the book.
Ok.
I really enjoyed the kite runner, by khaled hosseini.
I disagree.
I liked the kites, but the running not so much.
You didn't read the book, did you?
No.
Me, neither!
Seems funny, though.
Hey, eddie.
Hey, babe.
Do you have the time?
What?
The watch.Let me see the watch.
She told you about the watch, did she?
Oh, god, that's so awesome.
Is your wife something or what?
Oh, she is something, all right.
All right.
I'm gonna head home.
You think you can make it the 20 feet,
or should I have eddie get a wheelbarrow?
How was your evening with the boys?
Oh, it was very enlightening.
Sweetie, don't snack.
Come on.Let me make something nice for you.
No, that's ok.
I think you've done enough for me today.
You seem tense.
- You want me to rub your shoulders? - No, that's ok.
What's wrong with you? You love when I do that.
Yeah, but I don't love it tonight, ok?
Ok.
Oh, hey, this is for you.
What is this?
It's a special cleaning kit for your vintage watch.
I bought it for you today.
I'm learning how to swim.
What?
You heard me, big red.
I am going to learn how to swim
and you will finally be able to go to hawaii and go snorkeling, ok?
That's amazing.
What brought this on?
Love.
Just a big
enormous love i have for you.
God, I know that this is a big deal for you.
I just... god, I can't thank you enough.
No, you can't, so don't even try.
But I want to...
I'm learning how to swim, darling.
For you, ok?
The end.
Good night.
Aloha.
There she is.
The canvas on which you will be painting your masterpiece.
Yeah, you know, I took the liberty of googling "high school pools,"
and they're 60% urine, 20% hair, and 5% other,
and that's just not my kind of gumbo, jackson, so...
no, no,no, no,no.
Look at me.
The black dolphin's gonna make sure everything's ok.
Now let's get your high and shapely ass in that water.
Yeah,I'm looking.
Relax and close your eyes.
Visualize yourself being one with the water.
Water is your friend.
Friend.
Once you learn to trust it,
water will take the weight of the world off your shoulders
and you will float free.
Free.
Move your arms.
Kick your legs.Kick.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Help me!
Just stand up.
What the hell did you do that for?
Do not question my methods.
First thing we got to do is to teach you how to save yourself
when you fall into water more than 3 feet deep.
That would be a useful skill, yes.
I need you to put your face in the water.
No.
You got to put your face in the water to make bubbles.
No.
What are you afraid of water for, huh?
You afraid of this, huh?
No.
It's like rain, right?
Are you afraid of rain?
No.
Silly.
Of course it's silly.
It's just sprinkles, right?
Why would you do that again?
Do not question my methods, ok?
Now we got to teach you to roll over and float.
- Come here. - What?
Come on.We got to float.We've got to float. We've got to float.Come on now.
Put your arms out.Airplane.
Be an airplane.
Hands out like an airplane.
Head back, head back.
- You're floating. - Where we going?
Put your head back, head back.
Where we going?
No.
That's it!
I can't teach you!
You're gonna kill us both!
We gonna drown to death!
You have stumped the black dolphin!
You're not the black dolphin.
You're a bad dolphin.
Bad dolphin!
There you are.
How was your lesson?
Hey,I'm gonna need to pull the trigger on this snorkeling thing
because they want us to fax back a signed waiver
'cause it's stingray season.
Stingray?
The floppy guys with the barbed tail?
They take us on a catamaran and then take us 10 miles offshore
and then we dive in and we swim underwater into this cave,
and inside there are thousands of exotic fish.
How awesome does that sound?
Totally awesome.
I can't swim.
- What? - Yeah.
I can't be near water.
Actually, I shouldn't even be drinking water.
From here on out, it should be just this and the occasional breakfast beer.
What about our trip?
It's not gonna happen.
So I'm not gonna get to go to hawaii?
No, you are not, but I have something that you're going to enjoy far more...
the fact that you are, and always will be, better than me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, joy.
You know what I'm talking about.
We had a pact, and you broke it when you gave me this dr. J. Watch.
Congratulations.
You have now ruined anniversaries, basketball, and time-telling.
Did you dive headfirst into the shallow end?
Several times, but don't change the subject.
Eddie, I bought you that watch
because i care about you and I thought that you would like it,
but forgive me if it is more special
or thoughtful than anything that you've ever given me.
Mm-hmm, and there it is right there.
See, you taking the anniversary off the table
was just a first step in your twisted little plan.
Maybe I did it because i thought it would somehow force you
to be romantic once in your life.
If you wanted me to be romantic, why wouldn't you just tell me?
Because I shouldn't have to tell you.
It's no fun to ask someone to be romantic.
Oh, what's happening right now is a barrel of laughs.
You know what?
Maybe when I suggested that we take the anniversary off the table,
I was trying to send you a signal,
hoping that you would say,"absolutely not"
and then sweep me off my feet.
A signal? What am I, batman?
This is my fault.
I should have just let you take me to mario's like we do every year.
Yeah, ok,you know what?
- Let's just do that, all right? - Ok, you know what?
Let's do that.
Maybe one of us'll get lucky and go home with Jean-Carlo.
Eddie, we're gonna be late for our reservation.
I know.I left my wallet here.
Just give me a minute.
All right.
Happy anniversary, mr.And mrs.Stark.
May I show the beautiful lady to her table?
Don't be alarmed.
Your husband is about to break the world record for freestyle loving.
What's going on here, eddie?
Just a little thing called romance.
You know, when I first got the idea of learning how to swim for you,
it was for all the wrong reasons.
And after we spoke, I realized that I had to learn how to swim
because I want to take you to hawaii and I want you to be happy,
and I wouldn't mind seeing you in a coconut bra.
So this, my love, is for you.
Eddie?
Babe, you ok?
Babe? Eddie!
I'm gonna get you.
Don't help me!
I'm doing this!
Come on, baby.
Come on.You can do it.
You're doing it.
Come on.
Swim.
I'm doing it.
Happy anniversary.
My boy's gonna die in hawaii.
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Til Death Season2 Episode15